You know how sometimes you get a vibe from someone, and you just want to hang out more? Maybe it was the betting on yourself approach she took in her career path, but the vibe is exactly what happened for me with Kate Elliott, founder of Koti Design Co!

In fact, a few weeks later as I sat in a coffee shop listening to more of her story on entrepreneurship, motherhood, career leaps, raising teens and ALL the topics, there were MULTIPLE moments of complete laughter where I almost blurted out, “did we just become new best friends?!?!”

In hindsight, maybe I did blurt it out at some point. Regardless, Kate is so relatable and down to earth, yet also inspiring and an amazing role model on marriage, raising functional adults, and so much more. Additionally, she has INCREDIBLY entertaining stories!

Like breaking her foot at a 60th birthday party even as the sober driver. Or backing a U-Haul into a bridge on one of her first gigs of home staging entrepreneurship.

But we’ll get into all of that in a second. Kate was on a panel recently, sharing her betting on yourself journey into entrepreneurship and the resulting launch of her business, Koti Design Co. In fact, she made a big, scary leap from a well-paying job and ultimately decided to bet on herself. Clumsiness and all.

Enjoy her story and I hope it brings you as much insight and laughter as it did me.

NEVER LEAVING MICHIGAN, JUST KIDDING

Kate and her husband, Dave, have been together since high school. Flash forward to 2023, with 3 grown kids, successful careers, a series of life pivots, and they appear to be the all-American family a lot of couples strive to be. Rightfully so!

But Kate lives her life in a way to support and mentor others. Learning then pivoting. Pivoting then learning. A betting on yourself approach to life while also not forgetting to prioritize fun and enjoyment.

I like being a good role model for marriage and kids to others. But not in a “my way is the only way” context. I just try to lead by example and only give advice if someone asks for it!

Born and raised in Michigan, Kate and Dave began dating and never looked back.

We married SOOO young! Dave and I got married and then had three kids right away. We were crazy! And BROKE. [said through laughter and exasperation.] We had our first little house and three kids, Kaleb, Grace, and Eva. I was a wedding photographer for flexibility to be with the kids during the week, but man… it was hard work in those days.

Then the Elliott’s were approached with a big life decision.

Dave got a job offer near Indianapolis. Actually, they held the job for him, and his boss/mentor was pretty much like – “you need to take this job… now.” The kids were in 4th, 3rd, and 1st grades and we decided to head to Indiana.

Days before their house went on the market though, Kate broke her foot doing some stellar dance moves in 3 inch heels at a 60th birthday party. 

“I was even the sober driver that night,” she shared through laughter of this memory.

Even funnier, picture this. Days later she was seen in her casted foot, maneuvering around on crutches with their dog in a head cone and cast on his foot. The dog had an unrelated toe injury. A neighbor walking by paused and pointed, questioning if they were related injuries.

Nope. Not related. Just chaos. 

But cast and all, Kate managed to get the house sale ready. Including crawling around on the floor to clean and even pack boxes. 

Off to Indianapolis the family of 5 went.

WHAT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP?

Kate was now faced with what she wanted to do for a job after the relocation. Re-establish a wedding photography business? Or something else entirely?

Because of the abruptness to the move in May of 2012, she still had weddings to photograph all summer and fall resulting in a lot of trips back up to Michigan for long weekends.

Even though she loved being in the moment of photographing a wedding, Kate was unsure about a photography business in their new city. In fact, her brother often supported her at these weddings as an assistant and was now hours away.

My brother and I had so much fun at these weddings. Often, we were on the dance floor hanging out, leading dances, and having a great time! We were much more than just wedding photographers!

Noting she loved the people side of weddings and the creativity and art of photography; the career path still wasn’t entirely clear.

“What am I going to do?” Continued to be the key question she asked herself. Then one day at the local pool, she pulled a kid out of the water who was struggling. And through a series of chance encounters, Kate and Dave became friends with the other family. (No joke!)

After I pulled their daughter out of the water, we ran into them a few more times. It was so ironic! We just laughed and said clearly, we should become friends. And we did! Through this relationship, I started my first job in a Tech start-up, leading into a fruitful career in the Tech industry.

TECH TO HOME STAGING

Kate’s career in Tech spanned over ten years and multiple companies. She took on roles developing customer success platforms and really honed in on her skills of process, workflows, and automation.

Then in February of 2020, Kate felt the urge to do something new and different. Furthermore, to put her creative skills to use in a different way.

She stumbled into home staging and felt the creativity flow again.

I really love the vintage and antique looks but implementing them in new and unique ways. My installs have a wide variety. I don’t like to just pack things up from one house and set them up in the next. I enjoy using the inventory I’ve built up over the last few years and making each space unique.

While Koti Designs began as a home staging business, it has evolved into Koti Design Co also now specializing in interior styling, selection, and furniture & styling for clients.

Even though Koti Designs (now Koti Design Co) was founded in February of 2020, it was a nights and weekends business for Kate. In fact, she didn’t make the decision to leave her tech job and go full time on her business until October of 2022. A full 20 months of building and growing first.

Kate had this to say about what it felt like to leave steady and comfortable to the betting on yourself approach:

It was scary. And liberating. And I was suddenly leaving a consistent paycheck. In hindsight, there is a part of me that wishes I would have set more financial goals before making the leap. Put more back. Maybe done more planning on the business side of it. However, it has all worked out. I just probably gave myself some un-due stress at the time in the hustle.

She went on.

It’s funny though. My daughter Grace will sometimes say, “this sounds like a future me problem,” if she is getting too caught up in trying to figure out all the future scenarios of a moment. Maybe I followed her advice at the time because the 2020 version of me to the now me sure doesn’t regret it!!

KOTI DESIGN CO

In fact, Kate is feeling really great about the legacy she is building.

As she talked about the business, it became apparent a lot of the experiences she had previously have been put to use in her business.

First, the client facing piece of business. From her photography days and being amazingly relatable and fun, it’s easy to see how she connects with clients and meets them where they are in the design journey.

Second, the process and workflow automation. From her tech days and implementing strategy and automation, Kate has a focus on automating anything she can in her business to free herself and her employees up to do the things they thrive doing.

And finally, the creativity. During her tech days, she thought at some point she would want to run a tech company. Flash forward to now, she’s running a company, yes. However, she’s discovered the type of company she wanted to run wasn’t tech after all. Conversely, it’s somewhere she really dials up her creativity in design.

And it’s working!

Additionally, she shared the shift from the business being an after-hours and weekends side gig to a full-time weekday job has been amazing.

I asked the kids at one point if it bothered them that I not only work, but also, I love to work. It was gratifying to hear them say things like – “why wouldn’t you???” and “it’s great we have an example of a strong and successful woman to look up to.” Comments like these make me feel good and know I’m where I am supposed to be.

She also credits her husband, Dave.

He has been so supportive. I’ve since hired someone to help with the installs, but before that, he would spend his nights and weekends helping me. Just what he wanted to do I’m sure after working a long week as an engineer [laughter].

MARRIAGE & RAISING KIDS

Kate shared stories of her now adult kids WANTING to hang out with them and the joy this brings. So, I of course wanted to know how they accomplished this! The betting on yourself approach doesn’t just apply to the work side of things either. 

The kids have always known that it’s Dave and I first. We wanted to model for them a good relationship, not just in word, but also in action. And while the kids are our world, they are not our universe. We focused on teaching them the universe didn’t revolve around them. In fact, it’s our job to make our kids contributors to society and kind humans. And at some point, they will leave and do their own thing. I didn’t want to get lost in only having one identity as mom.

Helicopter and bulldozer parenting came up. Kate laughed in dismay about a recent story she heard of a college student’s parent calling the University about their child and issues with the Dean’s list.

Can you imagine?! My kids know, life is their battle to fight, not mine. They need to figure stuff out on their own!

As Kate and Dave approach being empty nesters this fall, she shared there would be some tears as they drop their youngest, Eva, off at Purdue. 

I’ll do a little crying, but not too much.

In fact, as they enter a new chapter, she’s excited about doing some travel with Dave. The flexibility in her business allowing her to work from different locations.

SUMMARY

Kate is focused on growing a legacy with Koti Design Co. She supports homeowners and home sellers in design to communicate, not just decorate.

Find out more about the interior styling and home staging business through Koti Design Co. Really amazing stuff!

Kate found a way to combine her passion for creativity and skill of process improvement to bring her business to life. And while it’s hard work, it’s easy to see how much joy this brings her.

Additionally, Kate encourages all parents out there to support their kids in understanding while they may be our world, they aren’t our universe. You can (and should) have multiple identities, not just the role of mom. Take it from Kate, your kids will be better for it.

And an added bonus… they might just want to hang out with you when they are adults.

Thank you for sharing your amazing story Kate and bringing your purpose to life through Koti Design Co. Enjoy empty nesting!

Follow Koti Design Co on Instagram to see more of Kate’s amazing work and inspire your creativity.

 

 

Always bet on yourself, no matter what the odds are. It means more to be in the race than to watch the victory laps from the stands. 

 

– Pete Wentz

 

Recently, Merril Hoge posted thoughts on LinkedIn about raising kids:

“I have always felt that I am my kids’ time machine. I know what is ahead of them – the temptations and the challenges – and I know what skills they will need to make good decisions. My job is to equip them with that resourcefulness by getting them involved in the decision-making process and then holding them accountable for what they decide.”

As I read this, I literally was thinking – YES. This. This is what it is. PREACH!

First, let me back up. My boys are getting to the age (14 and 11) where I’m starting to feel a lot of pressure. To be clear, it’s a different kind of pressure than what I felt before now. Harder in some ways, as it feels like more of an emotional toll than physical.

In reading the post, I realized Merril had put into words what I am feeling. Or probably more appropriately, what I am questioning. As in, is what we have done up to this point been right? Is what we are doing now enough to support them into being joyful, functioning, contributing members of society adults?

While you could argue it’s been our job as parents to instill this decision making process their entire lives, I’m feeling increased pressure around it now more than ever before.

For instance, I’m sometimes maddened by what feels like a lack of resourcefulness in these two knuckleheads. Conversely, there are absolutely times I’m pleasantly shocked at their level of emotional intelligence and well, resourcefulness. (Teenagers are so damn tricky.)

I thought I would use this month’s blog to share some of my own thoughts, anxieties, and scratch my head moments to anyone else feeling the pressure of teaching their kids these important human skills.

Also, I’m sure we would all love thoughts and suggestions in the comments from those who have survived these early teen years to support us through this time! After all, this is The Mom Huddle!

POTENTIAL VERSUS EXPECTATION

Potential versus expectation is a tough one for me. I never want to undershoot my child’s potential by setting too low of an expectation or standard. On the other hand, I also don’t want to set completely unrealistic expectations in an ill-advised effort of being supportive. BAAA!

Anyone else struggle with this one??

While it was difficult to discern potential and expectation as they aged from baby to toddler, then toddler to preschooler, and so forth, I’m finding this teenage space a much harder stage. Why?

One difference is… before, it felt like in most cases I had at least an inkling of answers. Were they always correct? Of course not. There was a lot of trial and error.

Too early to start baby food? Maybe. Oh wait, nope they were fine.

Ride their bikes and cross THE BIG ROAD by themselves? Well, okay they did that pretty well. Guess I can loosen the reins there.

Their potential was there, and they were able to meet the expectation.

FAIL FORWARD OR STEP IN

Now though?? How do you know where to let them fail forward and where to step in and support? It feels like the stakes are much higher.

Grades are a great example. They each have the potential to earn all A’s. Is that my expectation though? No, not really. I don’t expect perfection. But the conundrum within it is still wanting to have a high standard.

For example, when there is a missing assignment very clearly showing on the weekly report, it takes restraint. Like a lot of restraint on my part. As in doing my best to not say, “why on Earth do you have a missing assignment when you were IN the class and did it IN class??”

Do I follow up? Or do I let it go and allow them to figure it out themselves? I honestly don’t know.

On one hand, the lack of turning it in feels like they are shortchanging their potential. Furthermore, supporting them to living up to their potential feels like my role in this whole thing.

On the other hand, if the expectation is a mix of A’s and B’s and this is being achieved even with the one missing assignment, what is my role here?

Someone please tell me!!

And grades are just a tip of the iceberg.

Friend relationships. Beginning of dating and girls. Temptations of drugs and alcohol. Making good choices. When to keep friend’s confidences and when you should bring in an adult. Social media. Being out in public without an adult.

I could continue but my head is already spinning.

DECISION MAKING ON RULES AND THE PUSH BACK

This becomes a great segway into rules and the pushback on what used to be easy (ish).

Can we just talk about how they have a lot more opinions than they did before??? To be clear, Jake has the nickname of The Agent for a reason. From the minute he could talk, he’s been a negotiator.

Even so, explaining myself before didn’t take NEARLY as much energy and thought. Furthermore, the answer “because I said so,” held a lot more clout in those days than it does now.

Which is interesting as I write that. In fact, does that mean the decision making process has at least a foundation? Moreover, are they pushing back in their safe place (with their parents) to test their own theories?

I’ve been told on numerous occasions from doctors to youth psychologists to amazing parents, this sentiment: Kids test their limits at home where they feel safe. If they are doing this (testing the limits), we should take it as a compliment of the environment we have created.

It’s a nice thought. And does help when you have the rebellious toddler. Then the questioning adolescent.

So yes, it does make sense, in the context of a teen as well. Additionally, it gives me hope we’re at least in the process of doing something right.

But let’s call a spade a spade. It’s also exhausting.

DECISION MAKING: RULES OR MANDATE

For example, we have a rule in our house of no kids’ phones being charged in their rooms at night. (No judgement if that’s not a rule in your house. It’s just one at ours.)

This rule gets pushed against at least three times a week if not more.

I’ve explained at nauseam our rationale. I’ve also said, “I WILL NOT discuss this again tonight.” Additionally, I’ve yelled. Also, I’ve silently and not so silently chuckled at the relentlessness of the questions about it. I’ve even questioned my own stance (in my head) on more than 100 occasions but decided to hold my ground.

In conclusion, it’s exhausting.

But so were some of the other rules we set out in the beginning of each stage. NOW, I just have the added benefit (right, Merril??) of my kids testing their own decision making process.

On the flip side of this, I’ve let some rules go. Social media was a no go for the first year of having a phone. But The Agent wore me down.

Okay, half true. He also proved himself to be responsible, so a social media account was earned.

For the record, I’m not saying our way is right or wrong. We’re just out here trying to figure out how to navigate a teenage world that is VERY DIFFERENT than the one we grew up in!

You too? (And for the record, THANK GOD we didn’t have social media when we were in high school and college… LOL.)

ACCOUNTABILITY

On to the final part of Merril’s post, the accountability. I think I’ve said in each of the sections before, but this part is exhausting too.

Worth it? OF COURSE.

Exhausting? YES!

Have you ever just wanted to gloat on a decision and outcome with your kid? I feel like if you said no, you are probably lying. Or you are just a stellar human being much less petty than myself.

But for real, how hard is it to NOT gloat when you have pushed them to do something with quite a bit of resistance, and they end up loving it or are super happy? Wow, I find it hard to not have an I told you so moment.

Even so, the accountability piece is hard to keep up with, especially in the on slot of activities, work, school, and just life in general.

As an example, being grounded from social events was never really a forte of ours. Jeremy and I are just too social of people. Saying, “you can’t go to x event this weekend,” really meant we couldn’t either.

Go ahead and judge. It’s fine. It is a bit ridiculous that we’re as social as we are. BUT, in my defense, we were in a pandemic for what felt like 10 years so there’s that.

In all seriousness though, the follow through on the decision is a challenge but a key piece of the puzzle. As I’m typing this, I think something I want to do a better job of is following up after they make decisions and intentionally recognize the moment. Was it a win or a learning moment?

Meaning, the accountability doesn’t have to be from the lens of gloating in “victory”, but rather even in the wins, what did they learn about themselves? And in the learning moments, what will they do different next time?

The irony? I do this with clients every day. Why should this experience in accountability that is so powerful to clients be any different in the situation with my kids? (Hint: it’s not, but just takes intentionality on my part.)

SUMMARY

Raising kids is amazing, but let’s not kid ourselves, it’s also exhausting. Each phase comes with something a bit new and different. The opportunity to feel “over our skis” all over again.

As I’m entering into a new phase that’s feeling maybe a bit more challenging than some of the others, I realize through this stream of conscious a couple of things.

First, it’s apparent we’re now starting to test the foundation of all of those early years. While I realize the foundation isn’t done, the time is here for them to make some of these decisions on their own. Or at least with less of our influence. Frankly, that suddenly feels very scary and real for this mom.

Secondly, as tiring and frustrating as it can be, remembering this is their safe place to push the limits and flex their power is going to be important.

One of my friends this past weekend shared how when she feels really frustrated with attitude or the emotional rollercoaster of teenagers, she approaches them with validation and love. Validate their emotions – “feels like you are going through something hard right now,” and then express love – “I love you so much.”

What a great lesson and ah-ha moment for me (thank you Sarah!). Of course, I want to be right. But that’s not the most important thing in a lot of these emotional teenage outbursts.

And finally, there is opportunity in the accountability. Admittedly, not in gloating, but rather in supporting my teen in processing and reflecting on decisions. After all, we’re either winning or learning. Both of us.

Godspeed to all of you entering a new phase. You will get through it, but find your support team.

 

 

I reflect that my current flourishing was cemented when others gave me a great and durable gift: a belief in my potential. Their generosity was not mere lip service, but a tangible investment toward cultivating my unique abilities for contributing to society.

 

– Gisele Garraway, Founder/CEO of THRIVEfunds 

 

Community impact is at the core of Gisele Garraway’s story and heart. In fact, she found a way to create community impact digitized through her non-profit THRIVEfunds.

If you find yourself in a space of craving a community, read on to be inspired to do so. On the other hand, if you feel blessed with a wonderful community already, enjoy a beautiful story about impact, motherhood ups and downs, as well as the quest to raise good humans.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I LOVE hearing people’s stories. Particularly women and especially those with a servant’s heart. Gisele not only checked those boxes, but also left me feeling like I wish she was my next-door neighbor. My “Auntie Gisele” in the neighborhood to look to for wisdom on everything from motherhood to general life questions.

She speaks the wisdom which she credits to her own upbringing in community. It was fascinating and heart-warming.

I hope you enjoy Gisele Garraway’s amazing story of her jolt into motherhood, focus and intentionality on community, and how her idea in THRIVEfunds was pushed forward by her daughter’s tenacity.

GISELE & ALEC

Gisele and her husband, Alec, knew they wanted a family. In fact, they had a solid plan of how life would play out. Get married, get pregnant, have two biological children, and then adopt one. Forming their picture-perfect family of 5.

God had other plans. Furthermore, Gisele describes those years of yearning for a child but it not happening with the simple phrase of, “it was hard.”

Family comments about when they were going to have children. All the questions adding to the stress. Infertility treatments. Shots administered by neighbors when Alec was traveling… You get the picture.

In a moment of clarity, Gisele and Alec stepped back and thought:

Why are we so focused on this rigid plan? We know we want to adopt, why not start that process now?

And I feel like this part needs a drumroll or something. When they made the decision to adopt, it took 6 weeks for them to be matched with their newborn son, Dwight.

That’s right. SIX WEEKS. From the adoption decision and paperwork to receiving a call at work requesting the birth mother meeting took less than two months.

What I haven’t mentioned yet is Gisele’s professional life. She was a leader at Staples corporate office in Framingham, MA. Holding Director and VP level roles for the company over an 8-year period.

And yet, getting the call requesting the interview with the birth mother the same evening, she remembers thinking, “this is the most critical interview ever.”

Dwight’s birth mother had very thorough and thoughtful questions. In an amazing sacrifice of love, being a single mother with a one-year-old severely autistic child, she wanted a different life for her newborn. For her, this meant finding Dwight a home in different circumstances. Her questions included him having his own room, loving parents, siblings, a non-smoking home, collegiate education opportunities should he want them, etc.

Feeling satisfied with the answers from the Garraways, the next day they were on their way from Framingham, MA to a hospital in Connecticut to meet their little boy.

THERE IS NO MANUAL

As they jumped in the car with Gisele in the driver’s seat… she chuckled and said “obviously” about her being the driver… they realized the need for a car seat. Stopping at a nearby Babies R Us, Gisele selected one and headed to the counter.

I grabbed a car seat and in all the excitement really didn’t even know what I had. Someone standing nearby overheard us and finally injected. “Didn’t I overhear you say you are on the way to get a newborn baby?” We both shook our heads yes in delight. “Well mam, you have a toddler seat, what you need is an infant seat.”

We both laughed at what that moment was like! Excitement, fear, heart bursting with love, anxiety, ALL the emotions.

But then I sat there in dismay thinking of all the “things” you need for a baby. Remembering back to my own experience, I was blessed with three baby showers prior to my first son’s arrival. Can you imagine finding out overnight you are going to have a newborn tomorrow?

This is where community stepped in for Gisele and Alec. With adoption, they were not allowed to cross state lines for a period of time, so found themselves in the Connecticut home of friends. A mere two-hour drive from their house, but in another state.

However, when they arrived home with Dwight, the Garraways were shocked to find a fully functioning nursery in their house with all their needs met.

(I’m not crying, you’re crying… 😉  )

Their church community as well as her Staples community banded together to meet the needs of the Garraways.

She even described the church thinking of Dwight over the years as their baby. Such a blessing to an entire community.

COMMUNITY IMPACT

This community impact on Gisele and Alec goes deeper than their experience with the adoption of Dwight. Both felt they were raised by not only their parents, but also their communities.

I grew up mentored by so many women. Mom would go visit on someone’s front porch and even as a little girl, my role was to sit there on the step and listen. It was an education on life. I got to listen to wisdom and absorb all of it.

 

She went on.

Additionally, if anyone needed anything in the community, someone stepped in to fill the void. Any gaps we had were filled directly from community. Mrs. Nixon had an encyclopedia set specific to black history which we all used in February for our assignments, for instance. Community scholarships made advanced education possible. When my mother saw needs, she was very practical. For example, if she noticed someone at a bus stop with groceries, she would stop and give them a ride. It’s just what she did. My father also ran our food bank at the church.

It was this background of service in community coupled with a deep seeded desire to create more impact that the idea of THRIVEfunds came into Gisele’s view.

Wanting to make direct impact and fill a gap in someone’s life, essentially, we’re digitizing how I felt my community invested in me in a modernized way at THRIVEfunds.

DAUGHTER’S COMMUNITY IMPACT

While THRIVEfunds was the idea, Gisele admits it took a while to bring it into focus.

The Garraways talk as a family a lot. They’ve made a couple big moves for Alec’s jobs, but also realize the strain this puts on the entire family.

For instance, when they moved from Boston to Indianapolis several years ago, everyone weighed in on the decision. Letting son, Dwight, and daughter, Darena, in on the why of the move was key. Alec, an MD-PhD and Trained Oncologist, felt he could make a larger impact on cancer with this move.

We have the final decision, and the kids know that. However, we talk about life and the variables. We hear out their concerns. I think this has taught them the lesson of the give and take in a family and there are no “perfect” solutions. The move from Boston to Indy was hard. And then to move again from Indy to San Francisco a couple years later was even more difficult. But knowing the new role was Alec’s dream job helped us all get behind it. We’re a tough quad, we stick together.

This openness to talking it out and expressing thoughts and feelings ultimately led Darena to push her mom’s idea into the reality of THRIVEfunds.

The idea for THRIVEfunds came to me while walking the dog during the pandemic. I thought about the way my community always supported me in so many ways. How can we create a space to support others in filling those gaps through direct impact? My daughter one day said to me, “why don’t you stop talking about this thing [THRIVEfunds] and just do it!”

THRIVEFUNDS- COMMUNITY IMPACT DIGITIZED

In Gisele’s upbringing, food, housing, healthcare and other basic needs were fulfilled. However, broader things like technology, transportation to college, scholarships, and summer programs were a gap that was filled through community involvement.

People coming to THRIVEfunds are hard workers. The potential is there if they just had some direct support. Like my own experience. To get a better footing for themselves. It’s an investment in America’s working families. Filling a gap for them to directly impact a financial burden. THRIVEfunds focuses on childcare, career advancement, transportation, and technology needs.

Financial burden creates so much stress in today’s families. With the direct impact of THRIVEfunds, it’s not only filling a gap but releasing a stressor for a family. In turn, having a ripple effect on well-being.

You can read more here for an example of how the process works. Essentially, a family experiences a financial burden. They visit a partnering organization to discuss the need. The family creates a Request for Investment with THRIVEfunds, such as gas cards to impact daily work and education travel. The request is fulfilled by someone in the community wanting to create impact and serve their community.

Direct impact. A key in the process also being the power for the family to choose the need that would most benefit their situation.

Utilizing technology practically to fill a void.

Through this platform, an individual receiving this support thinks, “wow, someone doesn’t even know me, but they care.” It’s unconditional. There is a long-term sustainability about this kind of support.

Because of THRIVEfund’s vetted community partners, they are amplifying the work of sponsor organizations. Additionally, families receive access to programming such as financial coaching, workforce development, and a myriad of other services for continued support and impact.

To find out more, visit www.thrivefunds.org.

WISDOM SUMMARY

To be frank, I didn’t want our discussion to come to an end. Gisele shared stories of “Auntie June,” a dear friend and neighbor whom she looked to for wisdom and guidance. I found myself leaning into Gisele’s wisdom and guidance, looking to her as “Auntie Gisele.”

Here’s a summary of a few of those nuggets of wisdom.

On the journey into motherhood: 

I had this sense of “why didn’t anyone tell me how hard and tiring being a mom is??” In fact, just look at a Pampers commercial with a peaceful baby snuggled on a chest. We tend to glorify the opposite of the hard, but under share how we might think mean things about our spouse for packing the diaper bag wrong. [laughter] Community was crucial. I continued to work and loved my job. Going to church on Sunday and the aunties taking over was a big stress relief for me. All that said, I still look at being a mom literally as a gift.

For those with infant to elementary school aged children, she shared this:

Don’t worry and stress yourself over the little stuff. Enjoy the process. Your child will hit the milestones. It’s not worth the stress of comparing yourself or your kids to others.

Gisele expressed the middle school years were probably some of the tougher ones for her. In fact, she took a break in her own career to support her son with ADHD and acclimating to the diagnosis. Additionally, supporting her family through mental health challenges during the pandemic.

I found motherhood shifted from more physical to mental as they grew older. A mentor once told me when the kids were little that I may find the need to stay home with them in those later years versus when they were babies and toddlers. I found this to be so.

And for those entering a time of more independent young adults, heed this advice from Gisele with Dwight (20) and Darena (17):

Love your child into the person God created them to be. Take time to step back and ask, am I pushing an agenda? Then remind yourself, this is their story.

Dwight encourages him mom to take time for self-care often saying, “Mom, you need a massage, you’re spiraling.” While Darena pushes Gisele to follow the dreams on her heart. A catalyst to making THRIVEfunds what it is.

Definitely appears the lessons Gisele and Alec are impressing upon their children are blessing them in return.

Thank you, Gisele, for sharing your beautiful story and wisdom. You’ve created community impact digitized through your servant leader’s heart.

 

I reflect that my current flourishing was cemented when others gave me a great and durable gift: a belief in my potential. Their generosity was not mere lip service, but a tangible investment toward cultivating my unique abilities for contributing to society.

– Gisele Garraway, Founder/CEO of THRIVEfunds 

 

Recently, I turned the page from 43 to 44 years old. Another full trip around the sun complete. In other words, an opportunity for reflection.

Frankly, it’s bonkers to think I’m 44. On one hand, I don’t feel a day older than 22. Conversely, my back aches say otherwise. Can you relate? 

Because of this, I thought I’d share reflection on a few things that feel like newer lessons for me as I “age into wisdom.” Is that actually a thing?

In all seriousness though, I feel like I’m learning more now than I ever have before. Likely because I’ve come into a realization over the last few years. The lesson being, I really don’t have to have my s**t together all the time. Releasing of expectations and realizing continuous learning is part of the journey.

So, this blog post consists of a few observations I’ve made recently. To some extent, observations of other people, but really, more about myself. New truths I’m exploring and learning about the world.

I would sum them up in three key points:

First, pausing for reflection is like drinking water. You know it’s good for you but making it a habit is hard.

Second, while feedback is a gift and should be viewed as such, it’s difficult to give direct and honest feedback.

And finally, people just need to be heard.

I hope you find a supportive tidbit for yourself in my birthday reflection.

LESSON 1 – REFLECTION AND THE POWER OF PAUSE

If you’ve read any of my blogs or talked to me from a coaching lens, you’re probably sick of hearing me talk about the importance of pausing for reflection. Sorry, not sorry?!

It’s just that I know what it’s like to keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. Correct, it’s the definition of insanity. Banging your head against walls or glass ceilings or whatever structure is standing in your way and getting mad at the structure, but not addressing the root of the problem.

This is where I lived for quite a while. Not pausing for reflection but expecting answers to drop in my lap like a beautifully wrapped birthday present. Furthermore, not giving myself space. And when I finally did, BAM, a lot changed.

Now, I sit at my desk hour after hour, day after day and listen to people share similar sentiments. 

“I know I want something different, but I just can’t figure out what that is.”

“I just don’t have time to think for myself, but I need a change.”

It’s easy to empathize with these statements as someone who had those same thoughts. Undoubtedly, it’s also easy to pick out when someone is throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks versus being intentional.

Even with all that said, reflection takes time. Moreover, it’s the last thing on the to do list and we most likely don’t make it down that far on our list in a day, week, month, year.

LESSON 1- REFLECTION POSSIBILITIES

While that may feel a bit gloom and doom, all is not lost. In fact, the solution lives in creating a habit.

There are people who journal on a very regular, even daily basis. Amazing! Kudos to you if you do. I am not one of those people. Obviously, I would love to be one of those people, but I’ll be honest. Even though I love to write, daily or even weekly journaling has never been my strong suit.

I’m telling you this for a reason. You must find the thing that works FOR YOU. First, create a habit fitting to your lifestyle. Then make it a priority. Otherwise, you won’t sustain it. Without the habit fitting your lifestyle and being authentic to you, the act then becomes a chore and not something bringing you joy, inner calm, and answers.

Think about a few factors as you work to implement your reflection process.

Do you prefer a guide and some thought provoking questions to get you started? Or do you prefer something more freeform?

What does accountability look like for you? Would dedicated time on the calendar hold you to creating a time of reflection? Or do you need an event, like a workshop or friend date to facilitate this?

How often do you want reflection time? Weekly, monthly, quarterly, yearly? On your birthday?

I’ll share with you an interesting observation. Often when people feel unsettled, their job is the first area they place blame for life dissatisfaction. And while it is sometimes the case, it’s not always. The job is just an easy scapegoat when we don’t take a deeper look under our own hood.

What will you do to make reflection a more regular event in your life? If you would like a tool, check out this Self-Evaluation Guide to get you started.

LESSON 2 – DIRECT AND HONEST FEEDBACK IS VALUED BUT HARD TO GIVE

I’m sure you’ve heard the statement, “feedback is a gift.”

Of course! But sometimes the feedback gift can feel like a stocking full of coal. Even if it’s exactly what we need to hear for growth as an individual. Giving and receiving direct and honest feedback can be tough.

Admittedly, I grew up in a household where direct feedback wasn’t necessarily a strong point. To be fair, this may be more a sign of the times in the 80’s and 90’s than a direct reflection of my own family.

Anyone else perfected the dance around subjects like a professional ballerina?

While the intent for the dance around direct feedback is likely from a heartfelt place of saving feelings, I would now argue it leaves a lot of holes.  

Struggling with feedback is actually pretty common the more and more I coach with leaders, but on the other side of this struggle lives two problems.

First is the harbored frustration of one never being able to fully express when they feel wronged, hurt, or frustrated by someone or something.

Second is the receiver feeling contempt or frustration from you but little context on the why. A misfire so to speak. “Saving of feelings” by not actually saying the words, but body language, tone, and other factors telling a mixed message story.

LESSON 2 – DIRECT FEEDBACK AND BOUNDARIES POSSIBILITIES

While it’s relatively easy for me to put on my coaching hat and talk someone through the importance of clarity in their feedback message, it’s quite another to put it into practice. In fact, I just had a conversation with my own coach about this yesterday and laughed about the irony.

“Old habits die hard Heather. What are you afraid is going to happen if you are honest?”

Those old habits do die hard, but the key is in knowing the old habits and behaviors EXIST. In other words, self-awareness. In this case, taking the time to be thoughtful about my messaging in feedback. I’m not to the point of giving direct feedback on the fly and in the moment when it’s an emotional subject for me.

That’s a huge stretch.

However, knowing the importance to my own wellbeing of giving the direct feedback? That’s new. And freeing. And scary. Even exhilarating in some cases.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve learned more and more about the power of boundaries. Why they are not only important, but also how implementing them is actually not selfish. In fact, it’s healthy for all involved.

“Saying yes to something means you are saying no to something else. Use your yeses wisely.”

This has become a mantra for me. Albeit not to perfection, it sure has supported me in feeling more authentic and aligned with my own values.

LESSON 3 – PEOPLE NEED TO BE HEARD

Truth be told, I thought I was a good listener years ago. I was not. Probably still am not (remember, old habits die hard).

The interesting thing is, I was listening with the intent to respond in 99% of those interactions. Furthermore, I was guilty of hearing, but not listening. There are key differences to the words hearing and listening.

Hearing boils down to perceiving sound. That’s it. Like hearing a bird chirp outside. Being aware of a sound coming from the other room.

Listening, however, is active, focused, and intentional. Taking this a step further, someone really skilled at listening stops their mind from wandering into their own agenda. Absorbs the thoughts coming from the other person and not just in word, but in entirety. Emphasis, tone, body language. In turn, a full communication experience.

Think back to a conversation with someone you knew wasn’t really listening. Sure, they were hearing your words, but it may as well have been the talk track of Charlie Brown’s teacher… wa waaaa wa waaaa wa.

Now think of a conversation where you truly felt heard. There was even a pause after you stopped talking while the other person processed a bit and formulated a thoughtful and intentional response before just filling the dead air with words.

Which experience made you feel appreciated and truly heard? 

People, in general, just want to be heard. And while we all have opinions and want to express them at every moment, do we really even listen to each other enough to know how true the following statement is?

“Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one and they usually stink.”

Typically, people aren’t looking for advice or to hear about your comparison story to theirs. On the contrary, what they want… is to be heard.

What can you do to check yourself on your listening skills? Are you listening to respond or truly listening?

REFLECTION SUMMARY

I will continue to learn and evolve on this next trip around the sun and all of those to follow.

In this time of thanksgiving and moving into holiday non-stop action, I hope you take the time to appreciate what you have and how far you’ve come. 

Pause and take the time for reflection. Allow yourself the space to acknowledge your frustrations and where expectations missed the mark. On the other hand, don’t forget to celebrate your growth. We tend to forget to pause and celebrate before moving on to the next improvement or task. Celebrate and find your joy.

Direct and honest feedback. While it is a gift, find what works for you. What harbored frustration are you feeling? And how can you express it in a manner authentic to you but more direct and honest? Check out some feedback resources here.

And finally, listen with intent. Equally as important, find people who listen to you with as much intentionality.

I hope you enjoyed this reflection. Have a wonderful holiday season!

 

We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are.

– Max Depree

 

Forgiveness, Empathy, Self-Care, and the Power of Boundaries.

To meet Sarah is to feel kindness. Deep within her eyes, you get an immediate sense of empathy and understanding. In fact, she has the keen ability to pick up on the signs of someone struggling. Sarah’s approach is simple yet impactful.

Tell me what’s really going on and there’s no judgement.

Even with this incredible ability to empathize, which she credits to her mom and step dad as well as a ton of life experiences, Sarah admits the empathy pendulum swings too far sometimes. She has had to learn what it looks like to be empathetic and still find the power of boundaries.

To hear Sarah is an executive at Adobe, founded Linking Indy Women, has four amazing kids, and owns an awesome house in Brownsburg, IN, it would be easy to think life has been a series of good fortune. On the contrary, Sarah has walked through darkness, learned-pivoted-found the joy, walked through more darkness, learned-pivoted-found the joy, and so on.

Even through this, her warm smile says it all. You can do it too.

My hope is you take away a supportive nugget for yourself in Sarah sharing her story of forgiveness, empathy, self-care, and the power of boundaries.

BACKGROUND

Sarah comes from a big family including two sisters from her mom and biological father as well as two half sisters and a half brother from her father and stepmother. Sarah discussed her father:

I don’t take mental health for granted. There were signs for sure of something off with him even when I was a child. For instance, keeping a steady job was a struggle. He had to spend time in a mental hospital after he and my stepmom got together. In truth, his struggles with mental health continued throughout his life, even including homelessness in the later part until his death a few years ago. As heartbreaking as parts of this journey have been, it also gave me the keen ability to pick up on when people are struggling.

Sarah’s compassion for the situation was evident. Additionally, she shared her mom and step dad always taught them to look deeper than someone’s actions. This ultimately led her to be able to forgive her father and his situation, and approach through the lens of – you don’t know the struggle anyone is going through.

Sarah talks with so much love about her step dad.

My mom was a psychiatric nurse and my step dad is just an incredible person. Both of them take an approach with care to people. My step dad quickly became dad to not only my older sisters and I, but also to all of our friends. They taught us to look deeper than someone’s actions. 

For Sarah, mental health is a spiritual thing. Furthermore, believing the spirit can be disconnected from the mind. Feeling as though a person’s character doesn’t always reflect who they are inside.

As her biological father’s mental health continued to decline in Sarah’s adolescent and college years, Sarah and her sisters became closer to their two half sisters and half brother.

It was so foreign at first to go on camping trips with my dad where we were getting to know my siblings in Ohio we didn’t see much. But over time, we’ve bonded and are all now really close. We just had a big Halloween party together which was something my mom and stepdad did for years. I’m now trying to make sure we continue this tradition.

Sarah’s mom passed away in September of 2020.

MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, AND FINDING SELF

Sarah shared about her first marriage.

We were very young and frankly, he was controlling of me. Down to things such as not allowing me to have my own money. I knew the situation was not healthy.

Sarah left the situation and started over, but admits to not taking enough time to find herself first. Getting in a quick relationship, consequently they married and eventually parted ways.

She describes her own growth over the last 9 years since the divorce.

I stepped back and finally took the time to figure out what I wanted. Who I am. First off, it was key to learn the power of boundaries. Boundaries have been a journey and still continue to be, but I’m in a much different place now than I was then.

A big part of the learning and growth was realizing how co-dependent she had become, in particular through the years of marriage. After starting with a therapist, she also began to lean on friends and family to call out behaviors of co-dependency if they saw them.

While this sounds like a great idea, she reminds anyone reading this that in order for it to work, you have to be OPEN TO HEARING IT.

I did not always receive that feedback great (said through laughter), but eventually I did. It continues to be an ongoing conversation, not only with boundaries, but also other areas I’m actively working on myself.

POWER OF BOUNDARIES

As she worked on boundaries and co-dependency, she is happy to say she doesn’t see the co-dependency behaviors really any more.

Additionally…

A yes is a yes that I WANT to do.

Sarah described life before boundaries feeling a bit like playing a part in a movie. Furthermore, a feeling of not being over her own agency.

To suddenly step out of living life in a movie and instead live on her own terms she describes as very freeing.

Of course, as you exercise the power of boundaries, it gets easier to recognize and adjust.

However, she continues to learn, grow, and evolve. Even as recent as the Halloween party this year, she realized her boundaries and especially expectation setting weren’t where she wanted them to be.

I should have set better expectations with everyone and put people in charge of various parts of the party. Someone on trash duty, someone in charge of the bonfire, another running the costume contest, someone on food re-fill, etc. I felt very overwhelmed at one point and realized it was because I hadn’t asked for help or told people where they could step in. Trying to do it all. All of my family will have roles next year to help. I was so busy running around, I even forgot to put out the additional lasagna I had ordered from  Send a Friend Lasagna!

My take-away from this though was Sarah’s ability to not get angry or upset with the lack of help. Rather she took inventory of the situation, realized what was off for her, and spoke to her family about it. Creating a plan through expectation setting. In fact, all are now on board for next year.

LIFE LESSONS TO HER KIDS

As mentioned, Sarah has four amazing kids. Evan is 24, a scientist working in a local lab. Emma is 22 and works for a tech company. Additionally, she made Sarah a grandma! Sarah’s eyes sparkle as she speaks about grandson Emmett. Luke is 20 and attends UIndy studying finance. And then there is Noah, who is 13.

Noah was recently diagnosed with aspergers. Sarah described the discovery of this diagnosis as being one of those situations where you truly don’t understand what someone is going through. What’s going on internally. In addition, not to judge their actions.

Noah, up to this point, wasn’t particularly a high performer in school. Upon this diagnosis though, they realized he is high ability and has a really high IQ. He’s been moved to honors courses and is now thriving. His acting out in class before related to being bored with the content, not intentionally disruptive to be rude. They are still adjusting to what the diagnosis means for them but are thrilled to be headed in what feels like the right direction.

She described the Lacey family as “a therapy family.”

We’ve talked about mental health as a family since the kids were little. And it’s continued conversation. Each generation learns from the previous and evolves. I was taught to look deeper than someone’s actions. Lead with empathy. Then I added in the power of boundaries for my kids.

Sarah went on to describe some situations in her youth where her own mom could have benefitted from some boundaries coupled with her empathy. With the benefit of hindsight, Sarah uses this as a teaching moment that you can still show empathy but have boundaries. Keep an eye on how far the pendulum is swinging.

You can help someone but you don’t have to let them into your home… or marry them (said through laughter).

 

SELF-CARE

With the holidays coming up and the hustle and bustle of ALL THE THINGS, I asked Sarah for advice on self-care and sanity in this busy time.

It’s important to remember it’s your holiday too! It’s your magic season too so don’t forget that. We get so caught up that it has to be perfect. Frankly, it’s liberating while simultaneously challenging to say – I’m a part of this too.

Dr. Ina Wilson shared at the September Linking Indy Women event, “None of this matters if I’m crazy!”

Dr. Ina was speaking in reference to life and entrepreneurship. Meaning, she can’t provide for her family and do the things she needs to/wants to if she’s not mentally healthy.

Sarah and I laughed about how that was perfect for everyone to hear as we head into the holiday season.

Additionally, self-care means so many things to so many people. For Sarah, it’s rooted in therapy and talking to others who will challenge her awareness. She naturally gravitates to people she learns from. However, this again takes being open to those opportunities for growth.

Find your version of self-care and embrace it.

SUMMARY – FORGIVENESS, EMPATHY, SELF-CARE, AND THE POWER OF BOUNDARIES

I could sit and talk to Sarah for hours. We didn’t even get into her passion for Linking Indy Women… the networking event she started over 12 years ago to bring women together monthly and share their inspiring stories. Make sure to check that out!

Sarah’s approach in life, whether business or personal, is one of empathy, forgiveness, and grace.

If I go into every conversation with people believing they have the best intent, it makes me happier.

This approach now coupled with understanding the power of boundaries supports her in keeping the pendulum from swinging too far.

Don’t take mental health for granted.

Couple your empathy with boundaries for your own well-being.

Surround yourself with people who will call out behaviors you are working on adapting.

You can do it too.

Thank you, Sarah, for sharing your inspiring story with The Mom Huddle!

 

When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself. 

– Paul Coelho