Before we dive in, I don’t believe this is your typical thankful, grateful, blessed… oh my gosh Thanksgiving is next week type of post. Chances are, if you are a reader of my blog, you’ve basically got your s**t together. Note, I didn’t say ALL together nor ALL the time, but there are more opportunities in your life than crushing defeats. In fact, you’ve “got it going on” most days even if there is some self-doubt present. Frankly, you’re living an awesome life and are super thankful for it.

Today though, let’s talk about ways we can CHOOSE to be thankful, grateful, and blessed even in moments of motherhood and life frustration. Additionally, those  unconventional things we are thankful for and the way in which they support us in centering ourselves in gratefulness for ALL of the amazing things we have in this life.

NORMAL GRATEFUL

My assumption is you are more like me than different. For instance, you are grateful for your spouse, children (yes, even the crying one), family (okay, most of them), your home (drafty windows and all), your amazing abilities and strengths, your kids’ school, your friends, you get the picture. Also, I’m not downplaying how incredibly blessed we are as a society to be able to list these things AND with incredible ease for the most part. We DO feel grateful. Thanksgiving is a wonderful yearly reminder of this.

On the other hand, sometimes we can feel guilt when tinges of ungratefulness emerge. Guilty for not being INTENTIONALLY grateful. Why? Because we know so many others long for a smidge of what we have. For instance, hearing about kids at our very own school who require food assistance over breaks to have enough food to eat. This pulls at my heart strings and absolutely makes me feel guilt for not being more thankful for the MANY opportunities as well as physical THINGS I have and take for granted in a lot of ways.

GUILTY THANKFULNESS

On a personally emotional note, I long to be able to talk to my mom in person again. It stings so badly at times. Seeing an “I feel so blessed to have my mom” or a “my mom is a life-saver with the kids” post by someone pulls out a jealousy inside me I did not realize existed before losing my mom. My face may plaster on a smile and I’ll even utter, “ah, so sweet.” But my heart and my mind get, well, sort of pissy. No, I’m not mad at the poster for having their mom and being grateful. Conversely, I’m angry at a situation I can’t control.

Apparently, my truth serum is coming out today! So, here’s another one. My sister and I laugh sometimes when people say “I’m so blessed for….. (fill in the blank).” This statement MAY get a big eyeroll from the Quirk sisters. It’s not that we don’t believe you are feeling blessed. In general, blessed just seems to be overused or something. Highly likely we’re just reading into the statement with a tone of sarcasm, so by default it doesn’t feel intentional. Obviously, this is quite possibly coming from a cynical place. On the other hand, maybe we’ve just seen too many décor signs of “Thankful, Grateful, Blessed,” and along the way it’s lost the intention for us.

Even so, the point I want to make is this. Sometimes we feel guilt surrounding feelings of gratefulness. Which ironically spirals into more guilt. Not only feeling shame from emotions popping up conflicting a grateful heart, but also feeling we “should” be thankful! Taking our choice out of it. The conflict of our head demanding thankfulness meanwhile our heart in a moment of frustration. Indeed, a moral conflict even if only for a fleeting second. Another great conundrum of motherhood!

Alternatively, what if we thought of thankfulness in different terms? Realizing the feeling of gratefulness doesn’t always have to come from the grandiose in our lives, for instance.

NEW TWIST ON THANKFUL

A couple of years ago, instead of doing the traditional “say something you are thankful for” around the table after our Thanksgiving meal, we changed things up. Everyone had to name something OTHER THAN family, friends, home, gifts/talents, jobs, etc. etc. Making the assumption, we’re all grateful for the “normal” stuff. We are all blessed. In fact, we’re fortunate enough to be able to blurt these things out without having to put too much time and effort in thinking about them. Therefore, a new twist to the thankful game. Delightful!

Want to know what I said? Night facial cream. I know, SO RANDOM. But I love to come home, wash my face, and smear on the ridiculously expensive but cooling and soothing night cream. No, this isn’t a shameless plug for sponsorship, I’m not even going to name the brand I use! But I find it relaxing and a sign for me the evening is winding down and I can rest after a full, productive day.

Before the Thanksgiving a couple years ago, I’d never thought about the fact I was extremely grateful for something like…. Night facial cream. Now I am. Now, about each time I open the jar and smell the aroma of relaxation and sleep in my near future, I’m thankful.

RANDOM THANKFULNESS

Some other super random things I’m thankful for?

First, Apple slicers. You know, the tool that in one quick motion gives you 8 perfect slices you can throw in a bowl for a quick snack. Genius!

Second, Clorox wipes. I mean, what did we do without these??? They were invented in my lifetime, but I really don’t remember the “before Clorox wipes” life. There seems to be this weird timeline of Heather’s born, life lived, Clorox wipes invented, now Heather’s real life begins. I literally clean up cat vomit, spilled milk, unknown weird looking substance on the floor, bathroom sinks before guests arrive, you name it, Clorox wipes are wiping it.

Third, Sweatpants. Need I say more? Comfort in the form of fleece delightfulness.

Next, Folding chairs. We host a lot of stuff at our house and even though we have two full dining room table and chair sets, we never have enough chairs. What would we do without folding chairs???

And how about no tangle ponytail holders. I would honestly need to shave my head if ponytail holders didn’t exist, because let’s be honest, I use one daily. AND no tangle to boot! Sold.

Finally, Oatmeal Cream Pies. Delicious little cookies individually wrapped so I have to consciously think before I go in for a second one. Well played Little Debbie. Well played. Smart actually. If these were in an Oreo type packaging, I’d eat the entire box. Instead, I will savor this one cookie. Or hide the second wrapper from my kids.

30 DAYS OF GRATEFUL… OR 7

I’ve done 30 days of grateful challenges before and it is really amazing how your heart and perspective changes as you focus on gratefulness. I’ve even more recently started the exercise of thinking of three things I’m grateful for the minute I wake up in the morning. Before teeth brushing, looking at the phone, starting coffee, talking to anyone, just a mental clarity moment of thinking about the three things I want to be grateful for that particular morning. Unquestionably, starting off the morning in this mindset is a game-changer. And this is coming from someone who hates morning. Period.

It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack. – Germany Kent

Despite what may normally top out your 30 days of gratefulness though, why not try a new twist? We have 7 days before Thanksgiving. My challenge to you is this. For the next 7 days, write a list of the 7 super random things in your life you are grateful for. Feel free to share it with us in the comments below too!

Being grateful for the smallest things in our life can have a large impact on not being overwhelmed by what we “should” be grateful for. Putting a renewed focus on the simplicity of life. In addition, having subtle prompts of those little things we’re thankful for can be fun reminders to CHOOSE gratefulness in a day. Using an apple slicer, for instance! Bringing a smile to your face the next time you wipe up cat vomit because you remember there really was a life before Clorox wipes, and it was a dark and ugly time in our history.

THANKFUL, GRATEFUL, BLESSED

Ladies, if you are reading this it means you have access to technology through a phone or computer, likely both. You are thankful for the amazing opportunities in life. Additionally, you are grateful for the wonderful family and friends surrounding you. Lastly, you are blessed beyond measure and realize it with a beaming heart.

Continue to be grateful. However, in moments of guilt when the inner cynic is playing mind games with you, remember your night cream. Thankfulness can come in the smallest and even silliest of ways. Just CHOOSE to be thankful, grateful, and blessed.

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. – William Arthur Ward

Happy Thanksgiving!!

THE FIVE IN YOUR HUDDLE

First and foremost, I have to admit something. This version of Who’s In Your Huddle was not the first or second or third version of this story. In fact, I scrapped all of the previous ones. If you are thinking, “who cares?” it’s okay. However, I’m telling you this because it taught me a lesson. Furthermore, it’s a lesson I think we all need to hear from time to time. Here goes…. If something is not resonating with you, listen to your gut. My gut was telling me something about what I was writing wasn’t quite what it needed to be.

Before you ask, this has EVERYTHING to do with Who’s In Your Huddle. Stick with me, I promise we’ll get there.

I’ve spent a majority of 2019 trying to get myself back into the right headspace. While this statement is way more dramatic than I mean for it to sound, it’s true. Unquestionably, I wanted to do something different in my professional life. Nevertheless, the WHAT has been less clear. Part of my journey to self-discovery (again, way fancier sounding than it actually is) has involved attending workshops, conferences, and various speaker series this year. Attending these types of events has fired me up on so many levels! Additionally, I’m amazed at one common theme which continues to emerge. The importance of the five people with whom you surround yourself. In particular, who’s in your huddle?

In fact, your personal huddle is one of the most important factors into who you become. Unquestionably influencing our evolution as an individual.

HEAD AND GUT SPACE

What is the feeling in your gut when hearing this next statement? “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Positive vibes and happy thoughts you are right where you need to be? Or conversely, some anxiety or unease in applying those words back to your own circle?

At this time, I feel incredibly fortunate with who’s in my huddle. As a matter of fact, mine extends well beyond five people. Without a doubt, what I call the starting five seems to change week-to-week. Why? First, life is busy and in a lot of ways dictated by the kids’ activities. Second, career and personal factors affect who I am around on any given day or week.

Even so, I’m imagining a tap in, tap out system of my network. They probably have a SignUpGenius I know nothing about. “Who’s got Heather?” I’m then envisioning someone stepping up and saying, “it’s me! She needs better focus for her business this week. I’m on it!” Or someone else, “she needs serious help with the kids. The red heads (Heather and Jake) are basically water and oil again today. I’ll talk her down!”

While this incredible system is not true in the LITERAL sense, reflection of my current network sure FEELS this way. MY PEOPLE absolutely have an incredible knack for being there physically or emotionally at just the right moment.

WHO’S IN MY HUDDLE?

While this is all well and good to hear, how do we get ourselves to a place of peace around the WHO in our huddle? If you are anything like me, there’s nothing better than a good checklist! #nerd

For instance, here is what I would include in a list of requirements for my huddle:

• Authenticity
• Support
• Comfortable
• Space to dream and brainstorm
• No judgment
• Fun focused
• Challenges me to be more

It should be noted, this is where re-write two (or maybe it was three) came into play. After listing out the above, I then went into detail about all of the ways my huddle(s) provides these characteristics for me. Despite this being a wonderful tribute to those supporting my evolution, at the end of the day, no one reading this gives a s**t. BAM. Subsequently, THAT’S what was not resonating with me.

It’s not that you don’t care about me. On the contrary, you probably do! But at the end of the day, I wanted this article to be a reflection of you. What your five people bring to YOU. Furthermore, if your current five people are NOT bringing in some of your newfound characteristics, how do you create a new community for yourself?

If I write thousands of words about how amazing, awesome, and fantastic my huddle is, frankly, you should roll your eyes and move on to another article. How is it serving you? My gut was trying to tell me this three times over. The writing about my own experiences was going against the very topic I wanted to drive home to you! What characteristics do YOU need from YOUR support team?

WHO’S IN YOUR HUDDLE

First, let’s start by listing the characteristics you want out of your support network. Keep in mind, these aren’t the requirements of EACH individual. Instead, you want each of the characteristics SOMEWHERE in your starting five. After all, you aren’t putting together a team of all point guards!

Second, who’s currently in your huddle? This could consist of spouse, partner, co-worker, boss, mentor, college friend, mom friend, business friend, business partner, counselor, life coach, high school friend, sister, cousin, aunt, mom, networking group, etc, etc, etc.

After making this list, compare your huddle with your characteristic list. What does your gut tell you? In particular, what is missing?

Lastly, remember, the quote we started with? “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” I encourage you to think about something else based on this statement. Are you the smartest or most successful person in your huddle? How can you add someone to your team who pushes you to Up Level consistently? Adding someone to your circle at a higher level of success will undoubtedly make you strive to achieve more. They can support you to see potential in something because of their different vantage point. Interesting perspective for sure!

STOP FRETTING

How does it feel to think about not only your people, but also to some extent analyze their worth in your life? Maybe a bit too much judgment for your liking, for instance? Absolutely, it can feel this way. Or guilt over analyzing a friendship or mentor relationship? Without a doubt, it’s a weird feeling.

Despite those emotions, stop yourself from feeling guilt over this exercise. Pull yourself instead into a mindset of clarity. You are trying to gain clarity on what is best for YOU. Obviously, there is NOTHING wrong with that!

Additionally, it’s important to step back once in a while and dig into what you want as a person. Ensuring you are fulfilling your own needs. As much as we examine the food we put into our body and ensuring its health value, it’s just as important to examine who we surround ourselves with. The vibe and energy they bring. The support they provide. Furthermore, ensuring our own success by checking off the characteristics we want out of our own support network.

Besides, you aren’t necessarily dropping friends because of this. At the end of the day, you have choices. It can often feel like we don’t have choices in life. It’s key to remember though, we DO have a choice in the people we spend our time with. Yes, there may be obligations you feel compelled to uphold. However, it’s your CHOICE to uphold those obligations. On the contrary, you may decide spending time with one individual has been more like a virus to your soul and it’s time to make a new choice.

I encourage you to keep in mind this notion of choice. The WHO in your huddle is your choice. Don’t undervalue what it is providing for you.

WRAPPING UP

Last but not least, don’t be afraid to build your own community. This is your life. Besides, looking back one day and wishing you had pushed yourself “back in the day” to build a better support team can actually be avoided now.

Therefore, I’m encouraging you to take a look at the starting five on your team. If this fills you with joy in knowing it’s right where you want to be, awesome! Conversely, if you feel a void, figure out what is missing.

Now, go build your huddle.

It’s been fascinating to witness the topic of who you surround yourself with brought up by highly successful people in a variety of forums. The importance of this subject clearly overlooked by so many of us. Who’s in your huddle? What did your gut just tell you?

Now it’s time to go be the best version of yourself! Last but not least, celebrate your amazing teammates in this thing called life!

If we start telling new, more positive, and empowering stories, not only does the social script shift, the culture follows suit. – Michelle Gielan 

GAMES ARE CANCELLED

Who has not silently cheered upon receipt of this text or email?  “Due to the rain, games are cancelled for this evening.” Let’s be honest, I’m a super visually emotional person, therefore, my cheering is RARELY silent! YAAAAASSSSSSS!!!!!! Please tell me you know the feeling. In summary, life is a sport of busy no matter what your game plan is.

Within seconds of receiving the text, you have moved on to thoughts of accomplishing a mental list of the eight THOUSAND things you are going to get done with this sudden free evening. No games or practices!!!! I mean, are you KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?! Hallelujah!

By the way, you love the games and hanging with other awesome parents during the evening. It serves as social time for you with people who are living a lot of the same life circumstances. Who doesn’t love that connection! In addition, seeing your kids out there having fun and doing something they love is great. However, a bonus free night and the relaxation as a result of a peaceful, steady rain to top it off? Sign me up.

We’ve all been there. Furthermore, if you have any guilt over feeling excited about this, you need to drop that RIGHT NOW sister. Good Lord! We’re allowed to have thoughts and emotions too.

In short, life with children is busy. For the record, not just when they are in activities and have games. Incidentally, any point with kids can be summed up by one phrase…. MOTHERHOOD IS A SPORT OF BUSY.

THE SPORT OF BUSY

Consequently, I’m finding the busy just evolves over time. As babies, you are busy figuring out how to parent. Feeding your cute little bundle every few hours is exhausting. In addition, the “are we cut out for this?” or “am I doing this right?” thoughts which run through your mind all day, every day. All the what if’s, questions, and self-doubt in the first year of life. Keeping your mind busy and racing while you are physically caring for your baby.

Toddler busy. Pretty sure I don’t even need to add anything to this statement. HOLY BUSY CHILD, BATMAN!

Furthermore, we then start to sign them up for age appropriate activities. Reasons for doing so include keeping them active, meeting new friends, learning teamwork, and being a part of something. By the way, this is honorable and really a necessary part of childhood and their development. You go momma! Conversely though, you have managed to complicate your life ten-fold when you now add chauffeur and game attendee to your growing list of responsibilities including career woman, spouse, and mom.

WHO IS NOT BUSY?

I attended the Integrating Women Leaders conference recently. IWL put on a wonderful conference on Uniting Our Power. LOVED IT!! Like, legit… it was incredible. As a result, this is fair warning I’m probably going to talk a lot about it in the next few blog posts. You have been warned.

During one of the break-out sessions, I sat next to a lovely woman I had not met previously. As we began talking, we did the typical, “what do you do for a living?” and “oh, do you know so and so?”  By the way, I always promise myself I will come up with something different and then forget until mid-conversation. #foreheadsmack

Anyway, she referenced dreading these events beforehand thinking of all of the THINGS she has to do at work and will be missing. However, upon arrival she is  always beyond happy she maintained her commitment to coming. “I hate letting the word busy get in my way, who’s not busy, right?!”

So true.

Drop the mic my new friend.

Another one of the speakers, Coach Dar, spoke about our own personal development and while it is likely the most important thing for us to do for our own personal and professional growth, it’s almost always the first thing we let go when life gets BUSY. #truth

Similarly, I have skipped personal development opportunities put on by my employers because I was “just too busy.” (forehead smack) Dreaded a conference the day before even though I was elated when I signed up for it? Guilty. Why do we do this?

BUSY AS A BADGE OF HONOR

Do you wear your BUSY as a badge of honor? We talk about it. Commiserate about it. Frankly, it feels like if you have to suffer the busy, then you might as well make it a good thing. While I’m all about making lemonade out of lemons, I tend to disagree here. To clarify, I have TOTALLY worn BUSY as a badge of honor. So no, I’m not calling you out without a big heap of my own self-reflection. In this case, the busy conversation with my new friend at IWL really got me thinking.

Why do we as women do this to ourselves? Everyone’s definition of busy is different. This doesn’t make one individual’s dictionary right or wrong. Likewise, they have their own barometer. I recently heard Marcia Barnes speak on Ceilings and Curveballs at Linking Indy Women. To paraphrase, we all have curveballs in life and yours aren’t bigger or smaller than someone else’s. They are big to you and that is okay. She encourages women to take comparison out.

Similarly, I feel this applies to BUSY in our lives. Your busy life doesn’t need to be compared with someone else’s busy and wearing a silly badge prouder and larger. You are busy. They are busy. End of story.

In addition, I find the women who, on paper, seem to have the most going on, often seem to be the ones who talk the least about their busy. They appear to just embrace it, for instance. Taking time to have a good conversation with a friend. Time to volunteer, work-out, do personal development, a myriad of other things in addition to being career woman and mom. First off, they may not have it all together either. In this case though, how are they gliding through the BUSY with seeming ease?

THE WHY IN BUSY

Let’s take this a step further and put on our 3-year-old hat for a second.

Why?

Why are you so busy?

Are there things you are doing you can stop? If you answered NO too quickly, I’m going to ask the toddler question again.

Why?

If you have a good answer you can feel down in your heart and think through rationally with your brain, then good. Move forward. Conversely, if you are struggling again in either the heart or the brain for the answer…. toddler yourself again. WHY AM I DOING THIS?

Furthermore, giving yourself a break is not only in the “games are cancelled, and you have a free night” sense. It really is about giving yourself a mental break and accepting grace when we make mistakes. Yes, you need a physical break from the running around to and from practices, games, parties, and club pick-up and drop-off. But how many times have you beaten yourself up over a conversation with your child which did not end the way you wanted. You yelled. You hit the end of your patience rope. Or you have not had a sit-down family meal in over a week and there is an incredible amount of guilt over this. You forgot the field-trip permission slip and received a stern email from the teacher about the need for this form immediately. Maybe you showed up late or forgot your part of the pitch-in for the church gathering.

Forgive yourself. Give yourself the grace you would give any other mom in this situation.

A BUSY CRITIC

We are our own worst critics. If you are living a life of comparison to mom A, B, and C, you are not living your own life. Be you.

It really can be this simple.

In a life of comparison and competition, you will never be the God created person you were meant to be. God did not create each of us with our own individual talents and abilities for us to suddenly morph into Stepford wives. ICK! Everyone has their own special talents. You recognize this in other moms and compliment them on their abilities. Are you giving yourself this same grace with your own abilities? Are you focusing on the talents you bring to the table?

In this giant motherhood huddle, we need to remind ourselves we are doing our own personal best every day. Our personal best, some days, may not be knocking it out of the ball park, but rather pure survival. And you know what? THAT IS OKAY.

In short, next time you receive the text “games are cancelled for this evening,” let it serve as a trigger. This trigger is to remind YOU to give yourself the grace you deserve. You are a good mom and doing your personal best every day. Now go out there and dance in the rain.

If you want to be happy, put your effort into controlling the sail, not the wind. – Anonymous 

MOM GUILT

If you are a mother, it would be remiss to think you’ve never been plagued by the infamous Mom Guilt. It creeps up suddenly and experience has taught me it’s most fierce in those moments you are already at the brink of a complete mental break-down. Well, hello Mom Guilt (said in my best narrator voice). But how do we break this cycle which can often feel like a life sentence?

I had my two children during what is likely considered the prime of my career climb. For certain, I was considered by social standards the “appropriate age” and in the “right years of marriage” for having children. Based on all of their statistics (who is “their” anyway?), becoming pregnant was clearly the next and most logical step. Jury is still out if we really did have children at this point in time for ourselves or because it’s what we were “supposed to do.”

I’m absolutely not downplaying my amazing blessings, nor do I regret being a mom. Generally, I’m just making the observation of social norms and how they influence our decisions on the right timing, or the correct way life should play out.

One incredible miracle came in the form of my son Jake, but after a maternity leave, I continued to work. Admittedly, there were people who looked at this in an understanding way. On the contrary, others made comments along the lines of, “well, that’s just how it is in this day and age.” Ouch. Or maybe my favorite, “hopefully you can figure out how to balance all of this.” Um, no pressure there.

THE ART OF DEFLECTION

But if we’re being honest here, I didn’t really care about the comments. I have always beat to my own drum and do not take much to heart when someone says I should or should not do something. “You are going to move from West Lafayette, IN to Boston, MA to take a non-paid internship with the Celtics? Why?” Because I think it would be really cool and I want to! That’s why. I’ll figure it out.

And guess what? I did.

“You are going to continue to work AND travel for your job with TWO kids???” By the way, sometimes it’s not even the words themselves causing the sting in these statements. Moreover, it’s the tone in which the comment is made. The body language and the look of suspicion that children could actually be cared for in this crazy environment I have created by having a career. The questioning eye of whether or not I REALLY loved my children.

Fortunately, I was able to lessen the sting because the topic was one I could share with those in my mom huddle. In particular, my fellow teammates who ran into this same sort of sideways glance on the regular. Even the sideways glance where the person thinks they are delivering a compliment, but it’s laced with something else entirely.

Yeah, we heard you.

LIFE SENTENCE

However, even embedded within those of us confident, career-driven ladies of this Earth, the social norms and the expectations of what women “should do” when they become a mother can get in there deep. Gnawing at our hearts like the proverbial dog with her bone. Likewise, breaking down even our bravest attempts to be who we are authentically. Allowing us to question how good of a mom we truly are. The curse word… BALANCE. Do we have it? Can we have it? Is it even a thing?

I went through the gamete of emotions as I’m sure you have as well. First, returning to work after each of my pregnancies. Questioning if this was the right decision for our family and unsure if I could emotionally handle it all. Guilt over being happy to have a job and a purpose. Then in the next moment, guilt over not being with my baby.

FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES

Second, and likely more predominantly, the emotions of working and traveling as they grew. Ladies, kids can lay on one heck of a guilt trip. Mom Guilt at it’s finest right there! When they are itty bitty and sense of time is not a thing they comprehend, leaving for one day versus four days really makes no difference in their little minds. I’m not a psychologist. Subsequently, maybe later in life I will realize my traveling when they were babies really did have some long-lasting effect on their development as a well-adjusted human. On the other hand, I doubt it.

However, when they start to talk and can express those emotions…. Dagger to the heart when you say you are going to be gone for a few days. They may lay on the, “you are leaving AGAIN?” or “why, momma?” Tearing at those heart strings fully laced with Mom Guilt with a heaping side of self-doubt. Furthermore, the inner voice of every nay-sayer who has laid it on thick to you at a family reunion, college get-together, church gathering, pre-school pick-up or…. you get the picture. Yep, Mom Guilt.

Incidentally, this same guilt tripping, sweet faced, snuggle bug is going to be just fine. I know. It’s hard to believe in the throes of it, but hindsight for all of us is 20/20. Even the hindsight of the slobbery, booger face making you feel like a failure in the moment.

BREAK THE CYCLE

I recently took some time off of work before making a career move. In the car with my now 10 and 8-year-olds, a discussion began regarding my old job.

You have to understand, I used to take them to the office with me a lot when they had a day off of school or day care. Loaded with a Starbucks hot chocolate to mirror my coffee, an iPad, coloring books, reading books, tracing books, and enough toys to entertain for a week, we would march into the office with our stuffed backpacks like a momma duck and her ducklings. I felt an overwhelming guilt.

They are going into the office with me instead of some magical day at the Children’s Museum or the Zoo or SkyZone or the million other places I made up in my head where they would rather be for a day. “I suck, but I have to get this project done.” Or “There are too many meetings for me to re-arrange today, PLEASE just behave.”

Consequently, life’s a funny thing. Flash forward to this car ride, six months removed from the job. Discussion of our current summer of activities (we made up bingo cards) and the boys are looking back on those days in the office fondly. “Mom, if you were working this summer, we would have added going into your office onto our summer bingo card. That would have been a fun one!” Looking at going to work as a fun thing?? In a bit of amazement at this observation, I dug more.

THE CONVERSATION

Me: So, you guys liked going into my office?

Bryce: Oh yeah, remember when we went and helped pack gift bags for March Madness? That was super fun! I packed all of the hats for the gifts and stood in the tote thing so I could reach the hats. And we got to play on the iPad in your office while you were on the phone. I got a new game. Jake, that’s when we got the racer game. Remember?

Jake: Um, sort of.

Bryce: Yes, I wanted the minion one, but you said racer would be better and it was. Oh, and Jake, remember when we would help with NBA All-Star stuff?

Jake: Yeah, that was fun. I packed Dwyane Wade’s bag. Can we do that again mom? We should go in the office and see John and everybody. Who’s in your old office? Remember when I got the LeBron James short sleeve jersey because I pretended to rip it like he did? Then everyone in the meeting thought it was so funny, so they told me to keep it?

Shock. Utter shock. Their memory of me dragging them to the office for another juggle of mom and career woman was not one of me not being present. Rather, they enjoyed these memories and looked back with fondness. In fact, they wanted to go back!

DIFFERENT VANTAGE POINT

If we’re being honest here, some of the above was pure child labor! Call CPS!! However, I put them to work doing things they could do at their age and not only did they do it, they enjoyed it! While this was not a total surprise as I know they enjoyed it in the moment, the epiphany is the way in which they looked back on those moments. My mindset looking back at this time included guilt about what we were spending our time doing and my multi-tasking of motherhood with work. Reality, they enjoyed the time and being able to be involved. Taking part in what I was doing. Furthermore, just being with mom and feeling loved with a sense of belonging.

They can be cheerleaders if we let them, like I discussed in the Mommy’s Soul on Fire post. In a similar way, they can feel a part of your passion and a good reminder that just like our looking back lens is 20/20, so can theirs. Why not let go of the guilt?

HOW TO BREAK THE CYCLE

Grace. We must give ourselves grace when the feelings of Mom Guilt creep in. I read this quote recently on LinkedIn and besides being just mind blown, I love the different vantage point of our mindset as a working mom.

Believing in the lie that [working moms] are just slated and fated to constantly be feeling miserable and guilty and like we’re failing in all the areas – I say we can reject that, and we can actually choose something better, then we can encourage other women to do the same. – Liz Forkin Bohannon

Can I get an Amen sister?!?! First, why do we have to feel we must be miserable to be a working mom? Plagued to an eternity of trying to pursue a mythical balance. Instead, we know there will be days we will kick butt and take names. And days we hit the pillow, give the day a middle finger, and then start over the next day. However, the key being, we move on. It’s a bad day, not a life sentence.

Second, allowing ourselves to view motherhood and career through the mindset of positivity means we allow ourselves to find enjoyment in both.

IN CONCLUSION: NOT A LIFE SENTENCE

Are you a better mom because you work outside the home and have an outlet? Good! Conversely, are you a better mom because you stay home with your kids and have better focus? Also good! Do you need to travel to focus on your career and come home with a renewed spirit to then be more present as a mother? Equally good!

Ironically, none of these have right or wrong answers. The answers live in you. And no, not with the internal voice of the infamous Pam, Sue, and Karen influencing your Mom Guilt. JUST YOU. This is your life. Let go of the Mom Guilt. Train yourself to not ignore the feelings but give them a good reality check. If you love your children and show them in ways which work for your family, then move on. Giving yourself the best gift I can think of for not only a career-driven mom, but really any mom. Grace.

In conclusion, go be the best version of yourself today. Even better, give yourself the same grace you give your child. I believe in you, and so do they.